He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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