The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
