My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
