So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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