Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Randomize
