Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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