My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
