Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
