I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
