I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize