You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
