So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
