I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
