I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize