You smell like a Billy Joel song
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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