i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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