I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
