Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
