Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You ruined the universe
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
