No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
