Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
