Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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