do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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