So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
