fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
