she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Are my feet made of real feet?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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