Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
