i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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