I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
