What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
