Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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