I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize