Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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