I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He passed out mid-signature
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
