When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
