Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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