I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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