ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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