i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
