this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
