my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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