Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
