i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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