letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
