The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Text me some of your sweat
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