Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
