just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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