Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
