the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
