My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
