Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
