I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
