it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
