Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
