Whatcha textin bout Willis?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
