Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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