I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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