you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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