Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
