Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think I just shit out all my problems.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
