Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
