If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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